Comment is free

Come in, look around and don't forget to leave your mark

Text by Tod Wodicka

To start with, let's imagine an apartment building.

It is square, squat and seven stories high. No bricks, no concrete - our building is obsidian. It is clean, depthless. Nighttime comes and the building joins in, only its windows are now visible, hanging there in the evening like paintings. Like televisions.

You look closer, and there are your neighbours. Your neighbours are fucking each other's brains out. Not only that, but the building's residents - or perhaps their landlord - have managed some descriptive (and spoiler-heavy) signs beneath each of their windowsills.

DP Ends with Creampie

Dani Woodward is Great at What She Does

German Musclebabe Rides Two Dicks

She Doesn't Mind to get Her Snatch Filled

Attempted Self Fisting Party Girl

They're inviting you to come on in and watch. To choose.

YouPorn is one of the most invitingly human buildings on the internet. It is architecture hung on flesh and longing and delirious capital. Seriously. It's us, our human mess laid bare: and it is as disgusting and gorgeous and mournful and exciting and confused and morally reprehensible as we all know that we are at the center of everything. Porn having replaced religion as the latest way in which we tidy-up our animal self. Those naked humans are clothing, basically. They are helping us make sense and, for better or worse, giving our free-floating animal-self something to dress itself up as. Which is to say, everyone with functioning genitalia probably has a room at YouPorn. We're all represented, whether we like it or not, and let's face it: you probably kind of like it.

If not, keep looking. There is a window for everyone. When it comes to desire, I'm quite certain that we all suck.

Lately, I've been exploring the comments section on YouPorn. And by exploring, I mean obsessing. Partly because I'm attracted to the sickest of [SIC] writing; I love the inadvertent immediacy of English as a third language, trashy weird Google Translated missives, or the mangled slang and Ezra Pound-like grammatical choices and rhythms that you find in the writing of people who normally don't express themselves in writing.

Partly, also, because I was curious. Why would anyone leave a comment after masturbating? I'm no expert - OK, OK, I am - but isn't that the last thing you want to do? Type?

Or were these comments done in the same manner of those who leave comments after a news article or YouTube video - something I've always thought had an element of territorial pissing to it. I AM HERE. This computer belongs to me and everything inside of this computer is mine and so let me tell you what I think about you, Mr. News Article. You who showed up inside my computer, in my home, and totally got up in my shit and told me stuff I'm not sure I understand but sure makes me feel weird. Some nerve you've got, News.

So were YouPorn comments like territorial coming? I WAS HERE. I came all over this shit, and I came hard.

But then, who has ever felt the need to call a friend after masturbating? Is there a new form of post-masturbatory friendships forming on the internet? Next level bromance?

"Josh, dude, I was just watching some Beach Volleyball and I came into my sock! It was awesome!"

"Nice one, man!"

"- But, like, I was imaging that my sock was a vagina! You know? My sock totally felt like a beach volleyball player's vagina!"

"Awesome, bro! Thanks for calling!"

I haven't spent any time in gay bathhouses, but I'm pretty sure that even there, even in mass circle jerks, nobody ever high-fives afterwards. So then what are the comments for? Advice? Disparagement? Well, it turns out, partly they are about bragging, letting others know that the video in question helped bring the writer to orgasm. Often praising the performances or bodily features of the people in the videos, kind of like knocking on the windows afterwards and saying thank you. But in [SIC]-speak, of course:

Who is she? She made me cum and cum! I want to marry her! ;-)

Made me cum. Love watching these vids while

I touch myself!

This was very nice to watch but needs to be more exciting with the breast.

The younger is for the better work, but the older is hot as well

[SIC] is short for the Latin sic erat scriptum, or "thus was it written" and there does feel like there's something true and ancient about these comments, like the graffiti found on the walls at Pompeii.

A recent favourite series of comments can be found on an off-putting and darkly comical video entitled "Simone Sucks Deep on Claudio [CLIP]".

Commenter BigBen starts things off with a genuine classic of [SIC]-writing:

Omg.. what a dude.. at 2:44 is he a zombie or what the hell hes doing there??? The girl is awesome… she like it to get taken hard in the ass… brrrrr.

Now, there a few reasons this is so brilliant. Mostly, it is because BigBen is correct, at 2'44" of the video, our dude, Claudio, who is on his back beneath Simone, his penis jackhammering her anus, begins clawing the air with his hand. Besides his penis and his legs, this is all you can see of him. Poor Claudio forming his hand into a zombie claw and grabbing at nothing, then at Simone, who, if possible, gets a little more energetic. They go monster on each other and more noises are heard and a bit of Claudio's head appears and he does indeed look like someone rising from the dead and in search of brains. (Though he appears happy enough to settle for boobs.) He is villainous and possessed. It is hilarious in the way that terrifying things can sometimes be hilarious and, depending on how much humour you can find in violent consensual anal sex, totally worthy of going viral. That claw and Claudio's face could be as big as the double rainbow guy or a kitten. Or not. But did I mention he's wearing big black shoes? Or that they're having sex on a bright orange sheet of plastic?

The other reason I love BigBen's comment is, of course, the inexplicable "brrrrrrr" he adds at the end. Think about that. He notes, "she like it to get taken hard in the ass" and then: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. So mysterious. It is poetry. And all so far removed from anything you expect to exist in your house, on your computer. Because in no culture do I know where "brrrrr" denotes anything other than being cold. Right? Why then, after masturbating and pointing out a well-hung zombie does BigBen "brrrrrrrrrr"? Is it because the "b" is close to the "g" on the keyboard? Was he trying to growl and only succeeded in slipping up and letting us all know that he was either physically, emotionally or spiritually cold?

And then: but why even growl? And at who?

The [SIC]-comment section for 'Simone Sucks Deep' continues as follows:

biggerben

ya at 2:44 it funny

biggestben

I should be there his horrible

Biggest ben

Hahahahaha funny

SANDEEP

VERY SEXY PICTURE

Sexyalex556

Oh damn i cam to this i mean all the moaning i was so wet

lol

BigBen that was hillarious

I have gone through these comments and others like them for hours, marveling at their art, the haste and seeming release in which they are written. It is a debased place and I love all that [SIC]-humour and pathos and sad lost human growling.

The last comment in the thread is my own. I felt like I had to mark my own place on the Pompeian walls of YouPorn. My own words of gratitude and fleeting presence.

Tank Tod

I AM HERE.

But I'm still not sure why. Brrrrrrrrrrr. §

  • Youporn – Tod Wodicka